Scenario: Your partner/friend/child says something that hurts your feelings. You retaliate with an angry or defensive and cutting remark. Then, you come up with a justification for your response … one of those tapes that say: “She’s so insensitive to all my feelings.” or “No matter what I do, it is never enough.” These thoughts are your “answer” to justify your anger or retaliatory comment. However, these thoughts will actually cause you to distance yourself even farther from the love you feel for that person. Yesterday, I had a series of communications with a friend and I know some of them were based on those same tapes. It really made me think about how this process “works” (or, really doesn’t work!)
Emotional defensiveness or impulse control is, I think, an important secret for success in life and in relationships. While I am no expert (as we all know!) it’s not difficult to understand that we live in a culture that is very “me” based. We want it all and we want it now. Why put off for later what you can have now? If it feels good then do it. Look at Tiger Wood, Ben Roethlisberger, Jonathan Edwards, Elliott Spitzer, Lindsay Lohan — all related to impulse control management. This is what our kids are watching. But this way of being, not controlling our impulses and justifying our actions is not a good way to be in the world or in our relationships.
I’m sure you heard of that famous research study from many years ago, out of Stanford, where children were given a choice between having one marshmallow now or two later. Those who were able to delay gratification by selecting the two later option were more likely to complete their education, have better jobs, stay married, and live healthier lives, many years after the study, than those who went for the one marshmallow option. Amazing!
So, instead of your immediate impulse response to your partner/friend/child, think, “What’s inside me that’s making me angry right now?” or “What’s going on that’s making me hurt right now?” You really can substitute any other emotion in this question and arrive at the answer about what your emotional self is trying to tell you. Usually, the reaction, whatever it is, is based on something greater than the current issue – it’s often based instead on something from your past that you relate to the current situation.
So, you have two choices: You can choose to share what you are really feeling with your partner/friend/child – and drop the defensiveness part (this emotional honesty will likely bring you closer) with, hopefully, the other person saying, “I can understand how you might see it that way.” Or, you can send the quick email or make the off-hand remark and allow the situation to spiral downward.
Non-defensive, empathetic listening and transparent sharing, when you defer your own needs for a while to concentrate your attention on your partner/friend/child while s/he is speaking is really the only way to go. Maybe its better to look at it this way: two marshmallows are always better than one because then you can share them.
Have a fantastic day!
theyearof50 