We are having an issue in our house – it’s about giving up control and gaining control. I can see that the age-old power struggle with teenagers has hit our house – namely, how much control to give them in making decisions.
Making decisions is a skill that teens need to learn to do well. Whether it is about the decision to get a job, use drugs, start dating, having sex, whatever … teens have a lot of choices in front of them but very little experience making decisions on their own. Mix in the decisions of how hard to study for an upcoming test, which will lead to good grades and then a good college … it is easy to understand how a they don’t see how one decision will affect many other ones. Plus, studies show (there I go again!) that teens who have good decision-making skills have less stress.
After a long and unpleasant argument/discussion with one of my sons this weekend, I realized that getting into a power struggle was defeating the purpose and really what I needed to do was help him learn how to make good decisions rather than making them for him. Here are the steps I’ve come up with for this process.
Step #1: Get Ready. The first step is about me. I have to get ready to let him take over a decision that I’ve been making for him. I know there will be a time when I’m not needed for important decisions — that will be difficult. Right now I need to start with the little things.
Step #2: Help him identify the need for a decision. I will ask questions like: “What time would work for you so that you still feel ok in the morning” or “What are your options?” I can help him to see when it is time to make a decision and also help him see the various options.
Step #3: Allow him to make the decision. This is a hard one for me … I’ve got to hold my tongue just before I’m ready to say, “I think you should…”
Step #5: Stay connected to the situation. I want to stay connected to what he’s thinking in his decision-making process, but I don’t want to get in the way. I’ve got to let go of the “right” decision and allow him to do it himself. My “right” may not be his “right” (hmmm. Holds true in all relationships!).
As always, it’s a process. And, as usual, it’s got to start with me. I need to learn to let go and let him learn and grow, here … in the safety of our house … before he goes off into the world. He will be happier, more equipped and I will be less stressed out!
Stay warm today!
theyearof50 