Monthly Archives: November 2012

This week one of my boys asked me the question in the title.  I had to think long and hard about this one.  People usually say that they do not have any regrets during their lifetime, because the experience of their decisions has made them the person that they are wiser, stronger and smarter.   When I think about some of the things in life that I could regret, I notice that I’ve ended up using them as a way to teach myself about something else.

My son wasn’t going to let it go with that response so I started talking with him about options:

1. I regret getting perms when I was in high school.  Believe it or not, I used to get hair perms every few months.  Did I not know I had curly hair?  I spent my hard-earned money on these hair extravaganzas but other than sheer embarrassment, not something big enough for the list.

2. Getting married (and then divorced).  This would be an easy one for the list but I just can’t do it.  I got married for love, had kids and that was a blessing.  So, other than a few times a week when the kids (or ex) are driving me crazy, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

3. Being more present for my parents.  As a young adult I was wrapped up in my life and didn’t spend enough time staying in touch with my parents.   Somehow, I figured it out (much later in life!) and became more intentional about that relationship … so, I guess this one can’t go on the list either.

4. Not continuing on with piano lessons.  Now this would be a good one for the list because I constantly use it as a “threat” when my kids want to stop playing their stringed instruments …  “Man, I wish my mom had forced me to continue playing the piano.”   This has potential!

5. I didn’t pay attention in  high school and I wish I had.  I had to work super hard in college and law school to make up for that lost time.  Sometimes I watch my kids and I envy the opportunities they have to learn, which I never had.  But, even so, working hard later in life, to make up for my poor focus, made me who I am today.

Truth is that I do enough stupid and regretful things each day that one list is not enough!  At least I can say “I’m sorry” and have a do-over!   That will just have to do for now.

Have a great day.

I got a mailing from AARP the other day which directed me to their website.  It had a list of things we don’t need after 50 and some that we do (why I was on their website can be the topic for a whole other blog!).  I think the notion was a discussion on downsizing.  But, while I’m not in the downsizing mode yet, I agree that there are a few things I need now that I’m 50:

1. Jello-shots.  What the heck?!  I tried them for the first time at 49 and wondered why I hadn’t tried them before (thanks Splasher friends!!!).  I’m going to need more of those in my 50’s.

2. Vacations.  I need more vacations, not less.  And, I need them at spas, sunny resorts, Laguna Beach, you know … non-kid places!

3. A normal-sized car.  I think it is time to downsize from the massive-we-can-haul-a-horse-in-here vehicle to one where no one can see my crotch as I get into the car with my skirt on.

4. A six-pack (of massages).  No explanation needed.

5. More alcohol.  I have never been a drinker of an entire glass of wine at one time.  I’ve been thinking that I might be a better mom, friend and partner with more alcohol.  Plus, there is no longer a worry that drinking will ruin my brain cells because they are being destroyed by menopause anyway.

6. To speak Italian.  A dream of mine.  I do know how to swear in Italian but I don’t think that counts.

7. To be able to stay up for a 9:45 movie (I’m not talking about a.m.).

8. To own my OWN iPod.  I think that it is time for me to get the fancy iPod, computer, iPad, etc.  Why do the kids get everything?

9. To be able to say, “Oh, thanks. I’d love to go (do) but I just can’t.” … and not have to give an explanation why.

10. New underwear. Not the Target or Costco ones.  I’m talking the real fancy ones.  Where you walk in the store and there’s no food or garbage on the floor, the dressing room attendants want to get you different sizes and where the lighting works for the “older” eyes.

Yea, that’s what I’m talking about!

Have a great day!

My typical morning starts out the same … up at 5 a.m., work, write the blog, eat and workout …  yesterday morning, I decided to go to the 6 a.m. yoga class.

Unfortunately, I left house with what I knew was not enough time to get there (without being late).  I drove to the end of the block and couldn’t recall whether I had shut the garage door.  So, I had to turn around and go back … of course, it was closed.  Then, I got half-way to the health club and realized that I didn’t have my ID.  I noticed that my daughter’s permit was in the car.  I am already later than I want so I pray that they will let me be 15 years old for the next hour.  This is not my best start.

Of course, I get there and the class is packed. I squeeze my mat in between two people … one woman’s feet in my face and some guy’s butt at my side.  This is not feeling relaxing.  I decide to dedicate my practice to my dad and get started.

About 15 minutes into the class the teacher starts telling us how rude it is for us to show up late and leave early.  She is quite clearly talking to me.  I am already sweating but now I’m not feeling in my zen mood.  She also tells us that our practice reflects our life.  If we are coming late and leaving early then our life is just as disjointed!

OK.  Now, I’ve lost my focus.  Sure, I get there late once in a while.     Yes, I do have to leave early if it’s a day my daughter wants to be at school early but I leave before the meditation.  Clearly, there are etiquette rules that I should  follow (sorry to my yogi friends!) and I guess I’ll have to pay a bit more attention to the time.  But I’m not used to getting reprimanded at 6:15 a.m. in front of a group of strangers!

I did apologize to the teacher as I walked out (more stressed out than when I started!) but it made me think … is this the best 6 a.m. workout choice for me?  Maybe not  — and maybe that’s the question that I’ll have to ask myself next time I get the smart idea to go to early yoga.

So instead, I’m off now with my headlamp and running shoes.  Maybe my quick morning run will be a bit more relaxing!

Have a great day!

I suggest all of these ideas on this blog about kids, love, life …  but am I following those ideas in real life?  Not as often as I should.  So yesterday I used one of my ideas.

I’ve been struggling with an issue with one of my sons and not being very effective in managing my emotions, fears and concerns.  Instead, what I have been doing is laying down the rule of law (often without much explanation) and expecting he will just follow suit.  What happens?  He feels bad, has no idea what I am thinking and is generally frustrated with me.

Last night, when I had a few minutes alone with him (over food, of course) I told him my real feelings.  I said that “I”  (notice I’m using “I” statements now!) was feeling scared and afraid of decisions that he would have to make as a teenage boy and I figured (sadly) that if I hammered my fears into his brain now, he would hopefully remember the words, at those moments when he has those life choices.

He looked up at me (something a 13 year-old doesn’t often do!).  He said that these last few weeks he thought I was frustrated/angry because I didn’t like who he was as a person.  (that was heart breaking)  He told me that he had faith in himself to make the right choices and that he really was hearing what I was saying.  I told him I would work on letting go (the hardest thing to do as a parent) if he would keep the lines of communication open with me.  He agreed.  We hugged.  I got teary-eyed (super normal) and we moved on to talking about college football … typical fodder.

Look, this all started because he made a mistake so I know mistakes will happen.  I just want to opportunity to keep talking with him in an open way to help him see the best direction when he is faced with those teenage dilemmas.

I think the “I” statement really worked and, of course, I was finally honest with myself and him about my fears (whether rational or irrational).  It helped us get to a better place – a more open one.  Who knows … this parenting-thing is a work in process.

Please vote today.  It’s an honor and privilege – not matter which side you are on.

I was enmeshed in a conversation this weekend about fair fighting.  Let’s face it, if you’re involved with any human being, you are going to fight.  Some fights bring us closer together and help resolve conflicts and some fights tear us apart.  In order for a fight to be the former, the fight must be fair.

What is a fair fight?  I read a couple of articles on fighting with partners and children (I read them in the middle of a fight because I was so frustrated!) and found that most “experts” agree that a fair fight has the following elements:

1. Stays on topic. During the fight is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Partners that want to fight fairly, should only bring up those issues that are on the table, not those that happened weeks ago.

2. Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. If you are really trying to solve a problem (and not tear each other apart), you must avoid calling each other names – even something like, “only a stupid person would think that … ” is name calling.

3. Doesn’t badger or push too hard.  If you push and push your partner, they will eventually back down and allow you to win.  Of course, that’s a hollow victory, is very detrimental to the relationship and solves absolutely nothing.

3. Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always do … ” or ” you never do … ” statements do not reflect reality and will put your partner on the defensive and in fighting mode.  Stick to the facts with “I feel” or “I need” statements, which work much better at keeping the conflict on a safer ground.

4. Doesn’t interrupt and listens to what is being said.  There is nothing worse than being stressed out during a fight, getting interrupted and completely forgetting your point.  So, if you are the interruptee  … (hello … are you reading this?) … please stop interrupting me (and I’ll do the same (smile!)).

5.  Takes time to regroup.  Sometimes when I’m upset and I just blurt out my feelings, they come out sideways and often in inappropriate ways.  I’ve decided that if I am angry about something, I am going to try to hang on to it for a few hours (this is going to be brutal for me – the Italian/Jewish have-to-work-it-out-now person). That way, I have a chance to think about the best and calmest way to address the issue … (friends, please remind me of this when my boys get to the upper school!).

I’ve got a lot of work to do here and I found a great anonymous quote to get me started: “Love is saying “I feel differently,” instead of “You’re wrong.”

Have a great start to your week!

Every school day I drive past a hand-made sign on the side of the road (a busy road) that simply says “Are you even nice.”  There’s no question mark.  Nothing else.  No sign later on down the road … just — “Are you even nice.”

This is a great question and one I get to ask myself every day as I drive by it.  I wish some other people I know (and those I don’t know) would ask themselves the same question.  Well, let me say this … it’s important to ask the question but it’s even more critical to act on it.  I had some very “nice” experiences yesterday – which followed my how-to-be nice theory:

How to be Nice:

1. Say hello with a smile.  Whether you know the person or not, acknowledging someone makes everyone feel good.  Yesterday, the 15 year-old  girl at the grocery store who was carrying out my groceries, looked me in the eyes, smiled and asked about my day.  We had the most lovely conversation walking to the car.  It made me smile!

2. Say affirming things and be positive.  Don’t you feel great when someone says something positive or you have one of those affirming conversations?   No matter how much money one has or successes, no matter how busy or tired, we can all do this.  Last night, I was at an event with friends and someone came up to me, after a minute we both realized how much we missed talking to one another, we hugged and promised to get together soon.  I don’t know which was more affirming, the conversation or the hug.  In either case, it was really very nice.

3. Think before speaking or acting.  Too many times we hurt people by talking or acting before thinking.  We have control over what comes out of our mouths.  We just don’t like to admit it.  My kids are I have been talking about this one quite often.  It’s super obvious.

4. Do the little things. There is nothing nicer.  Someone gave me a card yesterday.  It was sweet and made me feel good.

5. Be respectful, not short-tempered, not angry, not dismissive – even when someone is being that way with you.  There is no way one can be nice when they are anything less than respectful.  Someone was angry and dismissive of me yesterday.  After a bit I decided to respectfully let go and allowed myself to walk away.  It felt so much better than engaging.  It wasn’t my anger anyway.

I hope that sign stays up for a long time.  It makes me think and my guess is it affects other people the exact same way.

Have a great day!

Oprah Winfrey fans must be excited that she’s coming out with her “favorite things” list.  I have to admit, I have never heard of this list before.  So, what does she do, just pick out things she likes, list them and people go crazy?  I can do that!!

Here’s my list of favorite things:

1. My $15 Hamilton Beach waffle iron.  Who cares that I’ve burned my hands twice now trying to open it up when it contained my burning breakfast;

2. My $100 Breville toaster.  When I get fed up trying to make waffles, I take frozen ones out and put them in the toaster.

3. My newspaper delivery guy.  He consistently throws my paper right near my door so I don’t have to go too far to get the sports and business section … who cares about the rest?

4. My Green Bay Packer Swim Cap.  Anyone got one with a big red W I can buy?

5. My iPhone.  It feeds my constant addiction to the outside world.

6. My red Raleigh bike – 5 speed.  Never mind my much-too-expensive carbon trek.  I love the huge soft seat on my Raleigh and the fact that I am only going about 7 miles per hour.  Wanna take me on my splasher/dasher friends!

7. My plastic bins.  Those that know me well, know that I have hundreds of plastic bins that organize our world here at home.  Big ones, small ones, ones for the pens, clothes and even my spices.  If you add up all I’ve spent on these bins, it might equal the amount Oprah spends on her soap.

8. My magazine subscriptions.  I love getting Sport Illustrated, the Economist and Whole Living.  What I don’t love is how much pressure I feel to read them once they start stacking up … those weekly ones are trouble!

9. My yoga mat.  It’s the only thing that I own that one of my kids can’t borrow, wear or eat.

10. My family.  They are free (sometimes) and are there for me no matter what!

Have a great day!

I like to think that every day is a new beginning, a do-over, of sorts.  And, why shouldn’t it be?  Every day we have the chance to reinvent ourselves, try something new, apologize for our past regrets and learn and grow. Why not allow ourselves to experience life, our family and friends in a new light with renewed passion and excitement each day?  It’s Friday and I’m feeling profound (it’s 5:00 am so there really aren’t any profound thoughts coming from me – just thought saying it might make it so!).

I believe it is never too late to build on the lessons I’ve learned and change that which is not working in my life.  Instead of thinking about a problem or issue the same way or staying in the same rut, I can change my approach.

I do start my day the same way: wake up with the “harp” alarm on my iPhone, say the same thing in my mind (after a few choice words about how early it is) – “thank you for allowing me to get up, feed my kids and start my day,” get the paper and then have my waffles.  However, I also do one thing that allows for the “flexibility” in my day –  I leave myself open for any and all new experiences that will allow the sharing of my positive energy (hopefully I have some that day!).

If the previous day was difficult, maybe with the kids, work, etc., I try to start the next day with a positive intention: “How do I want to be today?”  Now, let’s be honest;  sometimes the person “I want to be today” is not always my best self but it’s the intention … the desire to make the change.

I have a few people in my life who, more often than not, have a negative mindset. They seem to find the darkness in situations.  While I still spend time with those people, I try to be the opposite (and surround myself with the opposite) by reflecting happiness and joy.  Of course, I am not always a bundle of happiness and joy … no one is!  But think how different life is when you feel and use your positive energy verses when you don’t!

So, I’m going to create two daily positive thoughts for myself (and my kids):

1. I am going to use my positive energy today and find ways to share it with others; and

2. I am going to live in the present moment and treat people in my life as if it were the last moment.

Sounds decent and doable (I will allow myself a cranky hour or so once in a while!)

Have a great start to your weekend!

I was thinking (out loud) with my daughter in the car about being busy.  I had just filed a brief, finished a conference call, picked her up, was calling the doctor for a refill on a prescription and was catching up on her day.  At some point I turned to her and said, “I wonder what it would be like to have nothing to do for one whole day.”  She, as you might expect, laughed out loud!

She imagined such a day and said that if I had nothing to do I would go to the grocery store, work out twice, do the laundry, clean the house, work, etc., etc.  I had to admit, she was right.

Why is it so difficult to have a day of nothing?  I know we all have stuff to do but a day where we force ourselves to just read, take a walk, catch a nap or two? Sounds amazing!

So, let me admit yet another “issue” of mine:  I like to be busy.  I might complain or get a bit exhausted at times but I do like getting things done (and I always seem to have a lot of things!), which means I don’t relax as much as I should.  I can relax on vacations — I do have a vague memory of vacations where I did actually sleep, eat and relax!   Maybe in the right setting, with the right person(s) … but at home?   Hard to imagine.

In order for me to even get started, I’d first have to send my kids away for the day.  There is no way I can do nothing with the kids around.  Second, I’d have to have all my other stuff done so that I wouldn’t have to worry or want to work on other things around the house.  Then, I’d need it to rain because if it’s nice outside, I want to run, bike or do one of the million things that need to get done in our yard.  See what I mean?

How are all these stars going to be aligned so I can get some relaxation time?  I’m not sure.  A friend of mine does it and I think it’s because he’s able to make that mental switch to relax no matter where he is.  For me, I think I am going to have to take a vacation in order to really relax!  I’ll put it on my “to-do” list!

Until then, I will have to keep up the yoga.  One of these days I’ll stop counting the ceiling tiles at the end and actually relax!

Have a calm (or busy) day, whichever you prefer!