Monthly Archives: November 2012

I love this song by the Stones.  It’s true, you can’t always get what you want.  I would venture to say that you can’t get anything unless you make known what it is that you want.

I notice that sometimes I get frustrated when people, often my kids – but not always, don’t automatically understand what needs to get done or happen.  I feel like they aren’t trying or participating in the process or aren’t really committed.

This weekend I noticed that my kids could see the full trash can, their laundry on the floor waiting to be put in their rooms and the dishes on the counter, yet they did nothing.   Or, they would stand there looking at the trash and then look up and comment, “Did you want me to take out the trash?”

This is when I would feel myself getting quite frustrated …  “What do you think?  Why do I have to ask you for something that you should understand needs to be done?  You’ve lived in this house for 13 years and have I ever not wanted you to take out the garbage, do the laundry or pick up your stuff?”

Are you getting into this?  Do you find the same thing happening to you?  Do you simply get annoyed and end up doing it yourself?  I was so frustrated this weekend and then it hit me … maybe I was creating my own frustration.

I would like to assume that my kids and those who are significant in my life would understand what I need.  Sometimes they do, but most often they don’t.   I would also like to think that these same people want to make me happy, like I want to make them happy.  But who am I kidding?  They have their own agenda, so what makes me think I should be at the fore of their mind?

Maybe I should look at this another way.  Maybe I’m not communicating effectively.  Maybe I’m making assumptions that I shouldn’t be making.  Maybe, there are times when I don’t even know what I want so how can I be sure I’ve communicated my needs, wants and desires?

I’m going to try something different.  I’m going to slow it down when I start to feel that I’m-not-getting-what-I-want-or-need feeling and think about the situation.  If I’ve communicated my needs, then ok.  There’s a discussion to be had.  If not, then I need to make sure I communicate my needs – in a calm and clear way and see what happens.

With that deep subject in mind … let’s have a great start to the holiday week!

“No acts of kindness, no matter how small, are ever wasted.”  I agree 100% with this statement.  Sometimes life gets us down and it is hard to do the little things for others. Yet, I have been consistently clear in my mind that acts of kindness make this short life special.

There is no question that there is something called “giver’s gain.”  We really do “get” something from giving.  You get a boost of happiness, it can make a tough day better and is good for your health.  Giving a compliment is a great gift of kindness and you get a transparent result. It’s the immediate smile, hug or even a wonderful response back.

In relationships, the little things really count.  Think back to your last argument.  It was likely over something little (which may have turned into something bigger!).  When we are initially together with a new partner, we prioritize and ensure that we are doing those little things for each other.  As life gets busier and we get more comfortable in the relationship, these things slip by the wayside.  One partner may feel slighted because they continue to make those efforts but the other one isn’t. Or both sort of let it go.  Eventually, if the couple isn’t careful, that lack of  “little” things will turn into a bigger issue.

I have a friend who thinks that the little things don’t really matter.  That if you are in love, that should be enough.  I disagree.  I think that’s a recipe for an unhappy relationship.  Maybe I’m wrong (been many times before!).  But I feel strongly that regardless of the relationship … with your partner, your friends and your family (and even the kids, although they don’t really see all you do just yet!) … these things will make a difference for the other person, for you and for the relationship.

Maybe what I am saying is that these little things are a sign of respect for the relationship.  The care you give your relationship is a sign of respect.  If you are not respecting or caring for the relationship, it will eventually break down.

So, take time today to look at those close to you and make sure you are caring for the relationship.  It can be as small as a text message letting them know you are thinking of them or a quick call to set up coffee.   Or, even better, a hug with the simple words, “I love you.”

Have a great Sunday!

I have been running at a frenetic pace the last few months.  Almost too much.  Ever have that feeling where you finally say to yourself – enough?  I got there this week.  When I get to that point I know it’s time to step back and “clean house.”  So I did.

On Monday, I took the enormous stack of mail and started to separate the junk from the mail that actually required some attention.  Do you know that 5.6 million tons of junk mail and catalogues end up in landfills each year?  I had half of those at my house.  I found 7 pieces of mail from companies offering to clean my gutters!  Please. I have two teenage boys for that job.

On Tuesday, I did all those phone calls for various appointments, insurance billing questions, etc.  You know what calls that I’m talking about.  Those are the kinds of calls that I put off but where my kids keep asking me … “did you call ….?”  I made all of those calls on Tuesday!

Wednesday evening I cleaned the mud room.   That was disgusting!  The smell of sweat permeated soccer bags, coats and even my stuff.  I ended this chore with a nice big spray of Febreeze.  I think I’ll keep the bottle right there for future reference.

Thursday I cleaned out my personal email boxes.  Wow!  What’s the deal with all the junk email?  How did they get my name?  Not only did I delete but I unsubscribed.  “Unsubscribed” …  I love that word!

Friday I cleaned my own closet.  I organized and threw away.  Can you believe I found a sweater set from 18 years ago!  Every year I would say to myself, “well, maybe I’ll wear it this year,” … but I never do.  I almost started to say the same thing yesterday when I decided to throw it in the donation bag.  That felt good.

My kids’ rooms are next … EEK!!

Have a productive Saturday!

I am imposing a bit of motherly will on the boys and they claim it is quite damaging to them — I’m making them join the swim team at school.  Instead, they want to play basketball … that’s the sexy sport!  They feel my position is unfair.  Maybe so, but I am not going to change my mind.  We moms have a thing about changing our minds (unless it’s our idea).  So swimming it is!

Seriously, for the tuition money I spend at this school (which is totally worth it by they way!), why shouldn’t they learn to be better swimmers?  They are going to learn all the swim strokes, flip turns, racing, etc.  They get to wear racing swim wear, those cool big jackets and will have green hair from the chlorine.  What’s not to love about that?  How cool does this experience sound?   Not cool at all, according to them.

They are so desperate to change my mind that every day there’s a new reason.  “I’m allergic to chlorine.”  “My skin will get dry.”  “I just don’t want to wear one of  ‘those’ swim suits.” “The pool is cold.”  “The pool is dirty.”  “I’m sure I’m going to be last in every race and do you know how embarrassing that will be?”  Yes, I do.  I was Miss Last-Place-Holder in every sport I tried.  I survived.

What sold them (as much as I could sell them) on the swim team idea?  How “buff” and in shape they will get from swimming five days a week.  Why didn’t I think to mention that over the health benefits of cross-training, meeting new people and having a new experience?  When will I ever learn the mind of a teenage boy?  Likely not until they are no longer teenagers!

Have a great day!

Yesterday my day started with someone doing something nice for me and ended with me doing something for someone else.  In between, my day was filled with that sort of give and take.  Maybe I was paying attention.  Maybe it was the day I was supposed to have.  Maybe both.  Here’s just a smattering of what happened:

1. I stopped to get gas in the morning.  I am on a cash basis right now and had to go in and pay.  I decided to buy a pack of M & M’s for a friend but when I got to the check out I was short by 21 cents.  I was about to run to my car when a nice guy behind me offered the 21 cents.   I told him (this stranger) that I owed him!  He said, “pay it forward.”  Wow.  This is going to be a cool day, I thought.

2. I met my dad for coffee.  During the conversation he thanked me for doing something for him.  I, frankly, feel so honored that he is allowing me to help him that I thanked him for giving me the opportunity.  That’s love.

3. I get to the office and as I run to the elevator, I see a woman holding the door for me.  I thank her when I get in.  She says, “It’s the little things.”  I say, “Amen sister!”  Again, it’s me and strangers!

4. A friend calls and gives me invaluable advice.  How did I get so lucky??

5. At the office my assistant always helps me. In personal and professional ways.  I know I never can give back enough.  Yesterday was no exception. She’s reading this so let me say, “Thank you!”  I also got a hug from one of my colleagues.  This day is going well!

6. On my way to get my daughter, I pick up an iced tea at the coffee shop.  I buy one for the woman behind me.  She thanks me.  I say, “pay it forward.”

7. Once home I realize that my son has an x-rayable injury from falling on ice skates earlier in the day at school.  The pediatrician’s office gets us in as they are closing the doors (no definitive answer yet – ortho visit today).  I thank them profusely.  They say, “that’s why we are here.”  Seriously nice.

8. It’s late and my friend says he’s not feeling well.  I go to the grocery store, buy food for a care package, put the M & M’s, that the stranger helped me buy earlier in the morning, in the bag and go to his house.  He looks tired but now he has food (and the M & M’s).  (yea, the Italian thing!).

My day came full circle with a bag of chocolate (of course)!

Hope you have an equally great day today!

I’m taking full advantage of being 50 by doing something that I always said I would do at 50 … hire a personal trainer!  I am going to meet with him on Friday and I’m so excited!!  I am hoping he can uncover the abs that were lost by child-bearing, coffee, stress, wine and loads of homemade oatmeal raisin cookies.

My kids had some interesting responses to the “news:”

One of my sons said it was about time  … “Gotta work that flab off Mom,”  he said.  I turned to look at him to see if he was serious … he was.  So I said (as  calmly as I could), “Do you think I have a lot of flab?”  “Yea, it’s flab-tacular!  Plus, your 50.  All of you have flab.”  I’m thinking … this kid is getting coal in his stocking for christmas!

The other one said, “Why does it seem like you are always talking about dying?”  Now, I understand that teens come from left field a lot of times, in their comments, but this seemed off.  “What do you mean?  What do I say about dying,”  I asked.  Well, he mused, when I talk about being 50, that’s proof that I am closer to dying than not.  So every time I discuss being 50 he relates it to my advancing age.  PLEASE!  I’m just talking about a personal trainer!!!  I want you to know that at this point I want to stop the car, open the doors, push them out and go get a glass of wine … a BIG glass of wine.

Later I mention to my daughter that I’ve hired a personal trainer.  She laughs, and says “Mom, that’s not flab on your stomach, that’s skin and everyone has it!”   I tell her his name (it’s sounds like a personal trainer name!) and that he has an accent (not from Canada) and she says, “How old is he?  80?  Because if he’s 80, your 120 and that would be so cute to see old people trying to get abs.”   I don’t find my kids too funny.

This didn’t go well.  So, to retaliate I think I will tell them that their college fund, their vacation fund, and fun fund is going to be spent on my new abs.  Cry and joke all you want.  I am finally going to rock in the 50 year-old category and no one can stop me!!!  (well, I need to rock early because this 50 year-old needs to be in bed no later than 9:30 p.m.).

Have a great day!!

Yes, yet another addiction – the credit card. This weekend I went to pay for a movie and my card was declined.  I immediately called and was told it was flagged for a purchase which I actually had not made! Amazing that they caught it. So, after multiple calls (and giving them all the required information) they said they would send me a new card in … FIVE TO SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS!!! What the heck! Are you kidding?

Any idea how inconvenient this is?  Who lives without a credit card these days? Getting gas now requires that I actually get out of the car and walk all they way into the building to pay for my gas … yea, just as it starts snowing!  Going to the grocery store now requires a list and a calculator!  And, going to that big red bullseye retailer?  Forget it.  I can’t get in and out with enough cash in my pocket.

This begs the question: why don’t I have more than one credit card?  Isn’t it the American way to have multiple cards?  One for miles, one for your favorite grocery store where you get 10% back on purchases, one for your favorite gas station, and a fourth just for good measure?

Well, I’ve always been lean about that sort of thing. Comes from my days of working my way through college and law school. Cards could be dangerous. I saw them crush some people and I didn’t want that to be me. When I got divorced, I decided one was enough and had a nice card-cutting party.

So, I’ve got a few more days to go. If anyone wants to treat for lunch or dinner this is your chance! I guess I should look at this as a lesson in how easy it is to spend money without thinking.   I guess I’ll be un-American for a few more days.

Have a great day!

The kids, my dad and I went to a matinée yesterday.  It was one of those intense movies, based on true events, about the Iran hostage crisis.   There were many critical and tense moments in this movie, and it reminded me of how fragile the world really is.  It also raised the larger question for all of us: how did it happen that we were fortunate enough to be born here and experience all that we are able to experience?

This wasn’t a feel good conversation nor was it depressing. It was simply a conversation that led us to talking about religion, hatred, treatment of citizens across the globe, privilege, freedom and what part they can play in changing the world.  The kids had to step outside themselves for the conversation – something difficult for teenagers (and some adults we know as well!).

Honestly, I don’t have much to say about this other than the discussion was enlightening (and at times overwhelming as the topic is difficult to grasp).  We discussed how amazing it is that we were born in the United States and how lucky we are to have the means to go to school, to college, to vote, to buy groceries – sometimes whatever we want at the grocery store, etc.!  All things that are easy to take for granted.

Look, they go to a private school.  For years, I have been telling them that it is a privilege to be at this school, with these amazing teachers, parents and friends.  I never really knew if they got it.  I worried (I worry about a lot of things!) that they missed what an opportunity they have, and sometimes I know they do miss these things  … they are young humans after all!  However, yesterday, after our conversation, I realized that the mantra, the feeling, the compassion, the understanding — it’s inside them, sometimes hidden, but it’s all there.  As parents, that’s what we hope for.

Have a great (and warm) start to the week!

There are days when I  have no idea what my kids are thinking and why they just don’t seem to be thankful for what’s in front of them.  Was I that way?  Did I look for the next thing for my mom to do for me?  Was I not even thinking about who paid for my clothes, trips, evenings with friends?  Am I expecting too much?

Life is so much easier for my kids than for me and I planned it that way … it’s my doing.  But is it the right move?  Am I doing them a disservice?

While I think I have the whole thankfulness thing figured out, at least when compared to my kids, I wonder if even that’s true.  I know (for the most part) to say “thank you” when someone gives me a gift or does something nice for me.  Yet, I usually have to beg my kids to write thank you cards.

Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way.  The truth is, there is more to thankfulness than good manners.  While my kids might not know the right words or the best etiquette, they are much more genuine and sincere when they are thanking someone for a gift and usually have that great smile to go with it.  They are polite in public (I think!) and they seem to appreciate what others do for them (appreciating what I do for them is another story!).

We adults say thank you because we know it’s the right thing to say. We are restrained and polite. Even when we are delighted by a gift or act of love, we often don’t show our happiness fully – really, as we get older we often become less child-like, in our excitement!

So, while I can teach my kids a lot about thankfulness, especially when it comes to etiquette, there really is plenty for them to teach me about the wide-eyed excitement and thankfulness that comes with being a kid.  I’m going to pay attention!

Have a great Sunday!

This is not going to be a blog on religion.  As you’ve likely noticed, I am avoiding politics, names of people and religion.  But the question of fate is not necessarily one of religion.  You don’t need to believe in g-d in order to believe that things happen for a reason or that your decisions lead you to other decisions that get you to where you are supposed to be.

I believe in fate.  I believe in the “feelings” I get when something is going to happen.  No, I don’t watch Long Island Medium – the woman on TV who can talk to the dead (well, I watched it once — who could resist?!).   The reason I believe in fate is that I have experienced enough “coincidence,” improbability and “feelings” about things that for me, it begs the question.  While I may not believe in the fate of every atom being preordained, I do believe that there are subtle and not so subtle moments of fate.  Lately, I’ve noticed that these “things” have been happening more frequently.  Yesterday was one of those days.

In the morning, I had a phone conversation with someone who was very upset.  I recognize that this person was feeling hurt but it came out in an unpleasant and angry way.  At the exact moment that I got off the phone I felt compassion for this friend and the situation.  But I was immediately struck by a feeling that this conversation was telling me something – and that something important would happen as a result (something did actually happen later in the day but I’m going to save that until I know exactly what’s happening).  I know many of you have had those same feelings and “something” has happened as a result.  I call that fate.

This is not a discussion on my personal life.  This is really a discussion on allowing life to take its due course.  To be open to the fate/direction/opportunities that will come our way.  We can’t change people or situations.  We can’t control whether they are angry or happy, mean or nice.  All we can control is our response and then we must allow these experiences to shape our life in a positive way (I am a big believer in positive over negative – call me a Pollyanna!).

Too many things have happened in my life, too many “chance” meetings, too many unusual situations that seem to fit together, for me to call it random.  Yet, I really don’t have an answer on fate v. not fate.  I just keep my eyes and heart open.  Sometimes “fate” will slap me in the face (as happened yesterday)  – sometimes it’s more subtle.  In either case, I think it makes life interesting!

Have an insightful day!