The holiday season brings up many things, including our past. By past, I mean anything from your childhood, to your past (or current) relationships and even things that happen in daily life. Most of us (read “all”) have things from our past that we must let go of. Yet, letting go can be one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. Sometimes we hang on to our past because it is the only way we can gain control over it (wrong assumption). Sometimes hang on to it because we just don’t know how to (or are afraid to) move forward.
This weekend I had some eye-opening conversations with my daughter and the daughter of my long-time friend (they were visiting for the weekend). Both girls come from divorced parents so they see the world a bit differently – actually in a way that I think is cool (not that divorce is good but it results in kids having different views of life, love and control). Why do I bring this up? Because I spent a good bit of time talking to the girls about this topic – letting go. Here are my ideas for doing so (I need to use them as well!):
1. Accept that there’s nothing you can do to change the past. I reminded them that their parents did the best they could in the situation they were in. I also told them that they also did the best they could in the situation they were placed in. The past is done and I think they’ve got a really interesting view of life. Use it and move forward.
2. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and forgive your family as well. Dwelling on what you or your parents could’ve or should’ve done is unhealthy and won’t change the past. This is true for letting go of any issue: past relationships, work issues, etc. Plus, it wastes a ton of our finite time.
3. Be aware of your feelings. I reminded them that at times they will feel stuck. They will be in the dwelling mode about something in the past or maybe someone who is gone. I told them that at those moments just gently stop and be thankful for that person and move on to another thought. The “dwelling” will come back but you will know what to do with it.
4. Time is your best friend. Some people never move past their childhood or they take it with them and it affects all their future relationships. Time will heal all wounds (if you let it) and they should allow it to work that way. Eventually all that is left (if they are successful in this regard) will be an almost invisible mark … I told them to take that mark and use it in a positive way!
I have no idea if our conversations will help the girls. However, it will certainly help me as a parent and as a person as I continue to walk that tightrope-of-a-role in trying to do the right thing for them and at the same time, doing the right thing for me.
Enjoy your Saturday!
theyearof50 