I suggest all of these ideas on this blog about kids, love, life … but am I following those ideas in real life? Not as often as I should. So yesterday I used one of my ideas.
I’ve been struggling with an issue with one of my sons and not being very effective in managing my emotions, fears and concerns. Instead, what I have been doing is laying down the rule of law (often without much explanation) and expecting he will just follow suit. What happens? He feels bad, has no idea what I am thinking and is generally frustrated with me.
Last night, when I had a few minutes alone with him (over food, of course) I told him my real feelings. I said that “I” (notice I’m using “I” statements now!) was feeling scared and afraid of decisions that he would have to make as a teenage boy and I figured (sadly) that if I hammered my fears into his brain now, he would hopefully remember the words, at those moments when he has those life choices.
He looked up at me (something a 13 year-old doesn’t often do!). He said that these last few weeks he thought I was frustrated/angry because I didn’t like who he was as a person. (that was heart breaking) He told me that he had faith in himself to make the right choices and that he really was hearing what I was saying. I told him I would work on letting go (the hardest thing to do as a parent) if he would keep the lines of communication open with me. He agreed. We hugged. I got teary-eyed (super normal) and we moved on to talking about college football … typical fodder.
Look, this all started because he made a mistake so I know mistakes will happen. I just want to opportunity to keep talking with him in an open way to help him see the best direction when he is faced with those teenage dilemmas.
I think the “I” statement really worked and, of course, I was finally honest with myself and him about my fears (whether rational or irrational). It helped us get to a better place – a more open one. Who knows … this parenting-thing is a work in process.
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