I was enmeshed in a conversation this weekend about fair fighting. Let’s face it, if you’re involved with any human being, you are going to fight. Some fights bring us closer together and help resolve conflicts and some fights tear us apart. In order for a fight to be the former, the fight must be fair.
What is a fair fight? I read a couple of articles on fighting with partners and children (I read them in the middle of a fight because I was so frustrated!) and found that most “experts” agree that a fair fight has the following elements:
1. Stays on topic. During the fight is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Partners that want to fight fairly, should only bring up those issues that are on the table, not those that happened weeks ago.
2. Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. If you are really trying to solve a problem (and not tear each other apart), you must avoid calling each other names – even something like, “only a stupid person would think that … ” is name calling.
3. Doesn’t badger or push too hard. If you push and push your partner, they will eventually back down and allow you to win. Of course, that’s a hollow victory, is very detrimental to the relationship and solves absolutely nothing.
3. Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always do … ” or ” you never do … ” statements do not reflect reality and will put your partner on the defensive and in fighting mode. Stick to the facts with “I feel” or “I need” statements, which work much better at keeping the conflict on a safer ground.
4. Doesn’t interrupt and listens to what is being said. There is nothing worse than being stressed out during a fight, getting interrupted and completely forgetting your point. So, if you are the interruptee … (hello … are you reading this?) … please stop interrupting me (and I’ll do the same (smile!)).
5. Takes time to regroup. Sometimes when I’m upset and I just blurt out my feelings, they come out sideways and often in inappropriate ways. I’ve decided that if I am angry about something, I am going to try to hang on to it for a few hours (this is going to be brutal for me – the Italian/Jewish have-to-work-it-out-now person). That way, I have a chance to think about the best and calmest way to address the issue … (friends, please remind me of this when my boys get to the upper school!).
I’ve got a lot of work to do here and I found a great anonymous quote to get me started: “Love is saying “I feel differently,” instead of “You’re wrong.”
Have a great start to your week!
theyearof50 