Monthly Archives: October 2012

Last night I had dinner with a couple of friends.  They’ve been married for a number of years.  We got to talking about how they met, what happened at the beginning, the middle and where they are today.  It was fascinating and real.

As a casual (not so much) observer of marriages over the last 10 years and as someone who assumes that she will (don’t hold your breath) get married someday, I have some thoughts on what the outsider (ok, divorced person) sees in those relationships that appear strong.  Please allow me to make a few observations:

1. What you put in is what you get out.  When you give more you get more.

2. Communication is key.   “They” say that 7% of all communications in a relationship are verbal.  The rest of the “communications” are actions.  I believe them.

3.  A view (by both parties) that the relationship needs constant attention and work.  It is not easy (or fun) sometimes.

4.  Both are affectionate with one another and show that they care – it’s often the little things that seem to make the difference.

5. Be accepting.  We all make mistakes.  Forgive rather than berate.

I read an article recently on the four things that failed marriages have in common (no it wasn’t a Yahoo article!).  Interestingly (and not surprising) they all have to do with communication.

1. Criticism.  He said criticism is close to complaining, but different in that it goes to the very nature of the person in question. Criticism begins by saying “YOU are…. (fill in the blanks)” while a complaint starts the sentence with “I…(need, don’t like, feel bad, etc.)”

2. Contempt. This is insulting your partner by hostile humor, subtle put-downs and negative body language, such as sneering and eye rolling.

3. Defensiveness. Our immediate response to thinking we are being attacked is to react defensively – yet it escalates the conflict.  This looks like denying responsibility, making excuses, or arguing with the other person before listening to their position – this last one is critical.

4. Stonewalling.  He said that the most devastating factor was this one.  This occurs when one partner shuts down and erects a brick wall to end the argument rather than find a solution. He claimed that men do this more than women (no argument guys!).

So, in keeping with my exploration of life, love, communication and just plain survival, I think these things (the good and the bad) fit for all our relationships.  So, why do we pay a bit more attention to some rather than others?  I guess that’s a topic for another day.

Love your partner/kids/friends today!

Recently, my sons ganged up on me refusing to allow their sister to go somewhere – saying I was too strict … (bring it on, I thought!).  They say I have the toughest rules.  When they were little and accused me of this I would say, “When you weigh as much as me, you can make some rules.”  Can’t use that one any more.  Then I went to, “When you are taller than me, you can be in charge. ”  Nope, not that one either.  Now, I have resorted to, “This is my house and I make the rules.”  Very democratic of me, right?

You decide. Here are my top 5 house rules:

1. Pick up your room.  Yes, it’s true.  I do ask them to pick up their room.  When they start paying me rent I may loosen my grip on seeing the carpeting under all the clothes on the floor — how can they even tell what’s clean???

2. No TV or games during the week unless all homework and lessons are done and even then I may say, “go read a book.”  My kids tell me that every other parent allows their kids hours of TV and game playing.  Most days I just want to throw the electronic devices out the window (unless the Badgers are playing).  Is anyone with me on this?

3. Take your head phones out of your ears when I am talking, during a meal and when you are going to the bathroom.  Look, they aren’t listening to me even when they don’t have those things shoved in their ears.   I just want the illusion of some attention.  Is that too much to ask?

4. Toilet seat down when you are done.  Do I really need to justify this one?

5. I had a rule about sounds coming from their bodies.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  My son used to argue that he had to let the “sounds” out of his body because he was sure that if he didn’t they would make him sick.  He was 3 at the time.  He’s still saying it.  Sometimes you just can’t argue with the logic of a kid.

Have a wonderful day!

In my cave I have a nice new lap top (I have wireless too) with a software program that I have designed myself (you’re likely saying, “this’ll be good!”).  This program allows me to take all my feelings (the ones driven by fear work best) and transform them in to facts.  I mean hard facts. The kind that I can internalize and then act on.  Then the computer program gives me step-by-step directions (like a YouTube video) of stupid things to say and do that are supported by these newly created “facts.”  You can imagine what comes next …  I then take these new “facts” and use them to operate in a reality that is based on fear and nothing else.  How great is that???!!!

My close friend knocked on the door of my cave this weekend.  I opened it a crack and out came waves of my newly created “facts.”  He gently reminded me that I was in my cave and that sometimes what seems clear in my cave is not reality… WHAT??? YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! (Geeze, I hate it when someone calls me on stuff like that).

He’s right.  We (ok, me) get stuck in those “facts” or assumptions that are based on fear.  Sure, sometimes our fears become reality and then I suppose they become facts.  However, more often than not if we talk about our fears the other person can change course so the facts don’t materialize as we assumed.  Or, at the very least, the discussion can center on admitting (ok, me admitting) that my plush Coach bus with a big clean bathroom (I gotta have that – I’m 50 you know) is being driven by Ms. Fear and taking me to No Wheresville.  Hopefully, the person we are “sharing” with knows enough to acknowledge our fears.  That’s a critical piece and is important when dealing with anyone … whether it be our children or our partners.

Hey, I  know I am the only one with this issue.  But, if by chance you find yourself in this same situation, call me.  I’ve got my CDL license and I am happy to drive you in my Coach for a visit to the cave.  I promise I won’t let you stay there for long!

Have a great day!

I spent the evening with two guys who are best friends.  They’ve known each other since college – some 40 years ago.  They don’t live in the same state but they have found a way to stay connected all these years.  While I was with them another friend of theirs called.  I listened them on a speaker phone.  There’s something about the playful, non-serious banter of guy BFFs that is so fun!

My daughter has a BFF.  She “lives” at our house.  She’s like my second daughter.  With her, my daughter can share all her secrets and knows they will stay right there.  I can’t tell you how much I enjoy watching the two of them.  Even my boys have said that they want to have a best friend like their sister does … I wish that my boys saw each other as best friends, but that might be too much to ask right now — they will see it someday.  I have to say – when I see my two guys laughing and just enjoying one another’s company — I’m in heaven!

I too have a number of close friends.  I have one friend who lives in NM – she’s known me since I was 5!  She is amazing and even if I don’t talk with her for a long stretch, when we finally do connect it feels like we haven’t missed a beat.   I can be my authentic self with her like no one else.  I love that about her.

One of my best friends was my mother.  I thought I would never replace that relationship – but I have – with my father.   It is amazingly different and incredible all the same.  Sometimes out of a tragedy comes a miracle.

We rely on our friends for comfort and support.  Sometimes our best friends are our spouses.  Sometimes not.  Sometimes we have more than one best friend.  Regardless of the relationship, it requires nourishment and attention.   Honestly, the best thing about a BFF, is their ability to listen – not solve – but listen.  And for me, those relationships that I cherish are those like I saw last night – a touching  base, a connection, questions  (not solving – but giving much-needed advice, however) and listening.

Call a friend today and just thank them for being your BFF.   Imagine how you’ll feel getting a phone call like that today.

Have a great day!

I was a teenager monster!  Seriously.  I ran away from home (went all of a mile, called my dad and asked him to pick me up!), I hung around with the “wrong crowd,” brought friends (secretly) into my house at all hours of the night … I think I made my mom’s life miserable – sorry mom (she died 13 years ago and I still miss her as much now as I did then).

Talk to my mom when I was a teenager???  No way!  All my friends thought mine was the coolest mom.  She listened to their deep dark secrets, had thoughtful responses, she was a “hip” dresser and made cookies when they were around.  I, in turn, was embarrassed that she was my mom.  I thought she had no idea how to listen to the smallest of my issues, she had the ugliest clothes (unless I needed something from her closet) and I hated the cookie thing!  I totally missed the boat.

We had a few “things” come up this week.  Nothing serious but I found myself wondering how my mom might respond in the same situation. While I’m thankful that my kids talk to me about what’s on their mind, I’m not so cocky as to think that it will always be like this.  I know I need to keep working at it.

I started early with my kids.  I wanted to keep the lines of communication open, trying not to judge (stink at that), making sure that I initiate conversations with them about every day items that relate to our lives and trying to actively listen (stink at that too).   My goal is to learn to LISTEN not just while I am doing dishes or folding laundry  – but when I can sit down and fully engage (I can just hear my kids wishing I wouldn’t say this stuff!).   I think my mom did all that too – I just wasn’t paying attention.

I remember that somewhere in the 6-week period between my mom’s diagnosis and death, I begged her not to die.  I told her that I needed her help during the teenage years – I didn’t want to do it without her.  She promised me that my life with my daughter (and the boys – they were 6 weeks old when she died) would be different.  Maybe she’s helping me.  Maybe my kids are more advanced emotionally than I was at that age (highly likely!).  Whatever the reason, I’m thankful for how it is right now.

I know it’s a lot of work when they are little but the real work is when they are teenagers.  They are trying to wrestle control from you but all the while needing you to maintain some control and requiring open, non-judgmental conversations with a willingness to allow for their emotional growth.

We’re supposed to do all that and keep the rest of the world going at the same time?  Calgon, take me away!!

Have a wonderful day!

… no, not for the blog.  I’m on my 30th blog and haven’t even hit the 3 months of posts on my control issues.  Nor, have I gotten to the, at least, 40 blogs on LOVE (my absolute favorite topic!). No, I’ve run out of ideas for dinner.

What did June Cleaver and Aunt Bee (there’s my age again) do for dinner every night?  They didn’t have the fast food options we have now.  Nor, did they  know as much as we do about diabetes, trans fats, sugars, etc.  But they had vegetables on the table, desserts and real meat and potatoes every meal!!!   For vegetables at my house … either it’s carrots every night (yuck) or in my desperation (and guilt) I had them try this new juice that is supposed to give the kids a serving of vegetables in each 8 oz glass.  What kind of mom have I become???

Here’s my additional struggle … they eat two meals from the 5:00 to 9:30 p.m. period.  Please!  My mom shut the kitchen down at 7 and that was it.  If you didn’t get dinner you got PBJ’s … made yourself!!  Now, I spend an entire 4 1/2 hours in the kitchen cooking, cleaning and doing it again — all the while, trying to get some work done, laundry and get ready for the next day.  That doesn’t address the number of times that I am at the grocery store at 9 p.m. (I’ve got a blog on that one all right!)

So, yesterday, feeling guilty, I took out the Four Ingredient Cookbook.  Who can’t find something to cook there?  I picked out orange chicken with asparagus — chicken, an orange, asparagus and soy sauce (I cheated and added rice as a side dish).   We got home at 6.  Still in my work clothes, I start dinner, reading the cookbook, cutting, cooking … whew, it took less than 40 minutes.  At this point I’m feeling really good about myself!

During dinner I thought someone might mention how great the food was but there was too much chatter about school, soccer and homework.  No problem.  I was relaxed knowing that with all this homemade food I wasn’t going to have to make a second meal later and I could have a nice calm evening!

Finally, at the end of dinner, one of them looked up at me and said, “I’m still hungry.  Can I have a can of soup?”

I need a wife.

Have a fantastic day!

Last night I was out for dinner with a friend and we were talking about life in the single world.  He’s been married, divorced and in and out of relationships.  He said that it’s hard to commit because he hasn’t found his definition of “the one.”  He mused about the current dating scene, the on-line and dating services.  I told him that I recently heard that at our age friends with benefits means dating someone on social security (this really might be true!)

After we ordered our second glass of wine I took out a piece of paper and I told him to give me his “checklist.”  I was a bit worried about making this suggestion but I was on my second glass of wine so what the heck!

Here’s the list:  smart, happy, passionate and loving.  Hmm, where were all the other things, attractive, physically fit, blonde (or fake blonde), other fake things, etc., etc.?  Nope, that was it.  “Well,” I asked, “do you think you’re putting your best into your relationships?”  He hesitated and said, maybe not.

I struggled for a minute before I found and gave my advice  —- OK, now please note that the woman whose been single for 10 years is about to give relationship advice!

I reminded him that if he wants the best a relationship can offer, then he has to put his best in.  This is for all relationships – with our kids, our families and at work.  The amount of energy and attention you give a relationship will determine its long-term success.

Great relationships just don’t happen; they happen because both people  treat the relationship with care, respect, gentleness and thoughtfulness. Both is the operative word here.  I read once that it’s easy to cut corners in our daily life. We do it all the time. I never balance my bank accounts to the penny every month.  I also don’t remember to recycle every plastic bottle (ouch).  Yet, if we cut corners in our relationships, we will never have the kind of relationships we want.

It really is about the little things (like the notes to our kids, quick calls to our family members, etc.) that show the other person that you care about them.  My assistant has been with me almost 17 years.  I hope it’s because she knows that she’s important to me all the time (I’m sure I’m a pain in the you-know-what but thankfully, she overlooks that!).  Seriously, that’s what’s needed in all our relationships ….. To make any relationship a long-term success, the other person needs to know, see and feel that they matter.

I barely got started with the second glass of wine and it was time to head home.  We hugged each other and while he was thanking me I told him I needed to thank him.  The conversation was a good reminder about how I want to be in my relationships and how I want others to be toward me.  Insightful.

Do something special for the ones you love today – no, every day!

Why is it that the kids are always looking for things to be “fair?”  Where did they get that?  Certainly not from my side of the family because we know that life’s not fair!   With my kids, it could be anything —  from who got the most strawberries at dinner to who got more playing time on an electronic device.  Yesterday it was about a strings lesson and because I made an executive decision (Yes, I do make them) that didn’t comport with the “fairness” rule, all …. broke loose.

I got into the fray too, “Hey, do you think it’s fair that I have to plunge the toilet when there’s an “issue – even when I didn’t use it”?  That’s not fair to me! And, furthermore is it fair that I am forced to sit in a car with you after soccer, sweaty and with all sorts of other sounds and smells coming from your body?  That’s my airspace!!!”  (Ok, now I was getting into it).  “And really, if you aren’t careful and stop arguing with me there will be a consequence!”  Oh, the dreaded, invisible consequence!  I use it all the time and it hasn’t worked once.  They laughed and one of them reminded me that even when I do “issue” a consequence, I never remember to follow through.  “Short-term memory loss, Mom,”  one of them said.  Man, a tough crowd.

Why do we hear this fairness stuff all the time?  In my house, there are three main reasons:  (1) sibling rivalry – enough said; (2) it isn’t fair and I really have screwed up (gotta admit to that happening once in a while); or (3) usually when my kids want to do something that “other parents let their kids do” and I am not going for it.   The first one, I really can’t do anything about other than embrace their differences and similarities and give them some reassurance.  The second one … well, I am not perfect and when I screw up (and I see it!) I would like to believe I am willing to admit it.  For the last one, I typically remind them how horrible their life is, what a monster their mom can be and how they can be the same kind of cruel parent when they have kids (smile).

So, yesterday’s issue ended with an explanation of why I had made my executive decision, a compromise to equal the playing field next time and ice cream sandwiches.  Food cures all problems (Italian proverb).

Have a great day!

I went for a walk last night.  The moon was out.  The feeling of fall was in the air.  I was “unplugged” and just experiencing the moment.  If you’re like me, once it gets dark, I am in the house, cooking, cleaning, getting kids ready for bed.  I don’t always take the opportunity to appreciate the beauty of the evening.

Moreover, evening is often when I have the least amount of patience.  I am tired from the day, I usually see how much I still have left to do and I become a bit more short-tempered and controlling.  Last night I made an effort to be different, to remain calm with the kids and just stay centered.  For a bit, I almost got off track.  Something came up and I immediately got trapped in my old ways – trying to control rather than recognize that I can only control my own thoughts, actions and behavior.  I forced myself to step back and look at what I was thinking and feeling at that moment.  This “stepping back” is a change for me – not trying to control a situation and more importantly not allowing situations to control me.

I love the notion that once we become calmer and more trusting of ourselves and our surroundings (and stop controlling) we actually become more comfortable in our lives.  Really, control is just an illusion. It is a way of trying to prevent pain and uncertainty.  Which is why trying to “control” a situation just brings anger and frustration.  It also prevents us from taking a step back, looking at that situation with a clear lens and from being open (really with ourselves) about our feelings.  For me, control can be a way of avoiding a look at my own issues – sound familiar??

So, I am trying (there’s that word again) to remind myself that I really can’t predict the future or even control it.  I am thankful for where I am and what’s in my life right now and if that changes (and it always does!) I will be comfortable with the change and not try to control or prevent it.  Life is all about staying present, accepting change and being comfortable with uncertainty of it all.

Have a great start to your week!