Monthly Archives: September 2012

Ever have those days were you are just moving so fast that it is almost out of control?  I had one:  I left the house at 7:15 a.m.  I never got to the office.  Multiple meetings before noon.  Almost forgot to pick up my daughter for an appt.  Ran out of juice on my headset by 1:45 and my phone by 2:30.  Ate lunch from a baggie (in my car).   But that is not what yesterday was about.  Before I start, let me apologize for the length of today’s post.

Yesterday a.m., I stopped for coffee and a guy was at a table fiddling with his cup.  A bit spilled out and I made a quick joke.  He looked up at me and he was crying.  This man was in his late 70’s.  I asked if he was ok and he said no, he had just put his wife in a care facility.  I was going to be late for my meeting but I had to sit down.   This guy, a total stranger, was telling me all about his wife, their marriage and her illness.  I could feel how much he loved her – it was so beautiful.  We finished our conversation, he got up, hugged me, told me that I had perfect timing and not such bad jokes.  I got in my car and sobbed – life is fragile and love is all that’s left when it’s over.  It was to be the first of three crying episodes.

That afternoon I found out that a friend’s husband is not doing well – he has complications from cancer.  I won’t go into detail but it hit me that one day life is fine and the next … with one diagnosis … and the entire picture changes.  This family has children the same age as mine – in their same school.  The reality hit me so hard that I cried … that was #2.

On my way to pick up the kids after soccer, I stopped to get gas and noticed a woman standing by her car crying (no sobbing).  I went in, paid for my gas and asked the cashier what was going on.  He told me that he wouldn’t turn on the pump because she had no money and she had no gas in her car.  I walked out, told her that I knew her life would get better and I gave her money for gas.  I got in my car and drove away, crying for the third time … knowing how painful her life felt at that moment.  I’ve been there.

Frankly, it was a day where I could have had my eyes closed to all that was going on around me – I know that happens more often than not!  Yet, someone plucked me out of my “world” three times to show me something important.  If I can see it, my kids can see it and then they can learn to keep their eyes open, remain present and make a difference.

I ended my day on a high note – with all the fantastic parents at my kids’ school.  To any parent reading this, let me say thank you.  I got back all the energy I gave out yesterday by the hugs and seeing/talking to you.  It reminded me how thankful I am to know you and to know that my kids are with your kids (and those fantastic teachers) every day.  Life doesn’t get better than that!

So, have a great day, keep your eyes open and Kleenex in your pocket.

A friend of mine is dedicated to his practice.  He is the closest thing to a “yogi” that I know – other than you, my lawyer friend turned yoga instructor.   He and I had lunch in July and he challenged me to doing something specific in my next yoga class (I’ll fill you in if I ever try it — I didn’t yesterday).  Sadly, I didn’t go to yoga all summer.  Recently we had lunch again. “Did you go to yoga and do what I said?”  “No,”  I sheepishly replied.  In true yogi fashion, he didn’t judge me (well, I’m not sure if he judged me but he didn’t say it out loud).  So yesterday, with his request in the back of my mind, and my aging body … I  finally went back to yoga.

Here’s the deal with me and yoga.  I’m ok with the darker room.  I’m fine with my own  sweat (hot yoga).  I like holding poses and I have my own mat.  I don’t like the smells coming from other people.  I don’t like their noises.  And, I really don’t like having to try to clear my mind and focus on my breathing.   With running and swimming I have constant mind chatter.  I can argue with myself, solve my life’s problems and deal with the kids (all in my mind, of course).  With yoga, I want to do the same thing.  I want to think about what I need at the grocery store, some issue at work, laundry, dishes …. Yes – essentially I want to multi-task (in my mind) in yoga class!

How do you all do it?  I’m not even sure I can clear my mind at all, let alone  in a room full of sweating people who are standing much too close and moving in ways I have never been able to move.  And, allow me to admit right now:  At the end, when we are supposed to “slow our breathing down,” I have all I can do to avoid looking at the clock and counting the ceiling tiles (I think I actually am counting the tiles!).

Be that as it may, I went back to yoga yesterday.  I lasted with a clear mind for about 32 seconds – the rest was chatter.  It was fantastic!  I’m going back this week.  Maybe I’ll make it a minute!

Have a clear-minded day!

I spend a lot of time waiting.  Waiting for my kids to get up and get ready in the morning.  Waiting for them at soccer games.  Waiting for SOMEONE to do the laundry. Waiting for my computer to fire up. Waiting for the warm weather.  Waiting for the cold weather to end.  Waiting for the holidays (or for them to pass).  Waiting can be stressful and frustrating.  I used to make up games for the kids when we were waiting … now I play games on my phone while I’m waiting!   Sometimes we wait to say important things to people — maybe waiting for just the right time or just the right setting.  Sometimes, we can wait too long.   Sometimes we wait for other people to make our decisions because we don’t want to make them ourselves.

I wonder how much of our lives are spent on all kinds of “waiting.”  I’m guessing quite a bit.

For Jews, this period is the start of the new year – it’s a time of introspection.  A time to look back and forward.  Regardless of your religious faith (or if you have none), introspection and review are good.  They help clarify our direction and our path.  In any case, as part of my introspective period (the next 350 days), I’m going to try to limit all areas of “waiting.”  (I suppose I could change my mindset on “waiting” but that’s too easy!)

So, I am going to plan my pick up times so I wait less for the kids (if you see me screaming at the kids to “hurry up” you’ll know why!).  I am going to set up a laundry schedule so there will be no more waiting there (one of the boys’ response to seeing this statement was … “What? We’re going to have to do laundry now??”)!!  I am going to enjoy the cold weather so that I am not just waiting for the summer (any takers on a warm vacation weekend with a 50-year old woman??).  I am not going to wait to say all that I am thinking to those important people in my life.  And, I am not going to wait for things to happen to me (something I am good at because I am not a lover of change!) – I am going to force myself to get into new situations!

I hope you all have a wonderfully introspective (and well-planned) day!

On Monday someone usually asks me, “How was your weekend?”  I will often say something like …  it was short, the weather was nice, fun … you know, statements that are true but don’t describe, in detail, the weekend.  Of course, those people who ask (like the check-out person at the grocery store) often don’t want a rendition of my entire weekend and I get that.  But this weekend was especially nice and it made me think (what doesn’t?!) about why it was different.

I spent all three nights this weekend with some combination of my family and close friends (my family members are some of my closest friends anyway!).   It made me contemplate the notion of about how we connect with people and how important that connection is – certainly for me.  Facebook, skype, text messaging and email have taken over as our preferred method of communicating.  Sometimes to our detriment.  I do it.  I’m doing it here.  I’ve done it for years.  I see the benefit of that connection.   But I was reminded this weekend that there is nothing better than a phone call where you actually hear their voice or a face-to-face visit where you can hug them or see their smile.  I miss that part in my oh-so-busy life.  I’m sure you do too.

I took advantage of that time this weekend and it was fantastic!  As a result, I’m going to make an effort to reconnect – in person – with those close to me or those I want close to me.   We all say that life is short.   But, I say life is long – we just shorten it by not keeping our eyes open and our arms around those we love.

THANKS to my family and friends who make my life so special … be prepared for a call or email from me to plan an in-person visit!  And to my friend yesterday – it was great sharing a pack of gum with you.

Hug your kids and call someone for lunch!  Have a great Monday!

I want to touch on one of my kids’ biggest complaints about me …. that I don’t listen.  Normally I  get defensive when they try to tell me I am not listening (which supports their position) or I become quite dismissive (further support) or just get so frustrated that I stop listening (is it possible that I never was listening?).  If I am going to be honest (and why not) there are times when they are right – I am not a great listener.  I also must admit that the kids are not the only ones to tell me this.   Why is it I (we)  have difficulty listening?

Usually, I do a couple of things when I am required to “listen” to someone talking to me about my position or attitude on something.  First, I oh-so-quickly dismiss the discussion because I have made my decision before hearing the whole thing (I’ve already decided they are wrong and I am right!).   Or, the response, “Yes, I’m listening,”  when I really am not.  I know this reaction because I have other people who do it to me … that glazed look on their face when I am talking means they have stopped listening  – ever happen to you?  All of the reasons for not listening to someone calling me on my “stuff” are based in fear – fear that they are right, that I have screwed up or that I just plain have lost control (there’s that word again).    All of which could be true.  Maybe you can relate.

Lately, I’ve been wondering if I miss a lot because I don’t always “listen.”  What’s wrong with admitting that I am wrong or just not being right all the time? Why not be quiet and just listen ….?   While I know I missed the class in law school on listening (ok, most of us lawyers did!) — I also think I just have not paid attention to the powerful nature of real listening.  If we can’t listen to our kids or our friends call us on our stuff – how can we really listen to our own needs or the needs of others?  Food for thought.  So, here’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to listen to my body, which is screaming at me to get to the club right now, finish making the homemade french toast for the kids, do the dishes and head out the door.  And, I am going to make an effort to have a good “listening” day.  TBD!

Have a great Sunday!

Yesterday, I got a gift.  Not the usual kind of gift (although I like those too!)  This gift was a friend of mine asking for some help.  She simply needed my time and support during in a difficult situation.  I was honored to participate.

So much of society gives the message that we can do it all ourselves – the super accomplished person who can take care of kids, work, volunteer, read the Wall Street Journal, have a clean house, food on the table (organic) every night, can solve every personal and math problem for their child (and themselves) and has everyone in bed before 9:30.   Some of US have bought into that crazy message and are so focused on doing it all ourselves that it’s almost as if we’ll seem weak or incapable if we ask for help.  That’s a “tape” to be cut up and shoved deep into a garbage can!   Sometimes it feels awkward or even that we might owe someone something if we ask for or receive help.  There are also some of US that have control issues so that when we accept help we give up some control, a fate worse than a week without estrogen (sorry guys – I was neutral there for a while!).

For my close friends and family who are reading this, bear with me as I try to work on asking for help when I am at the end of my rope (Yea, like every day, right?!).   This is a hard one for me.  For those of my family and friends who have trouble accepting help (you know who you are) take me up on my offers.  It will be a gift to you and to me.

So to my friend yesterday, you may think I gave you a gift – but by allowing me to help you, you gave me a really incredible gift.

Let someone help you today!  Have a great Saturday.

Somehow it has become socially acceptable for men to have a cave.  You know the brooding, sexy men who check out, bottle up their feelings or solve their “issues” with other bros.  These guys are with you one minute and disappear the next, pulling away to a place where you are not invited.   Women are supposed to be the ones to talk it out, be sensitive and pull the guy out of his cave to solve his problems.

Well guys, let me tell you that we women have our own caves – they just look a little different.  Our caves are decorated quiet nicely!  We’ve got comfortable furniture and mood lighting.  We’ve got pictures of all the things people have “done” to us, taped up on the walls to keep those old wounds open for a long time. We’ve got nice circa 1970 tape players to play all our old “mind tapes” over and over again – just so we don’t forget.  And we’ve got magazines filled with all the things we think we should have done better in our lives.  One similarity to the guy’s cave … once we go in, it is hard to get us out (I have some tricks for that which I will share at a later date)!  I try not to visit my cave as often as I used to.  Yet, it’s comfortable and familiar – with a private address (I think!).

As I get old(er) I am learning, however, that after a bit of a visit to my cave, I need to turn off the tapes, walk out the door and lock it behind me.  I did have a short visit there this week.  Nothing much had changed …  but I suppose that’s the problem with caves.

Have a wonderful (and open) start to your weekend!

Last night was the first Back-to-School night and I noted that change is everywhere.  Not only have I made some personal and professional changes lately, but my kids are also in a constant state of change.  Yet, I am not a lover of change.  Who ever thought up the mantra “change is good?”

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever liked change.  I seriously don’t like that people say we need to change our breakfast choices and have protein in the morning.  I don’t want to change from my whole wheat carbs (waffles) in the morning – yet I feel a bit guilty eating them every day.  I don’t like that my kids have changed and they now think my talking to strangers in public is “inappropriate.”  Pleeease, are these the same kids that used to walk up to total strangers and ask them for money to buy candy bars – (ok, maybe my kids were a bit bold!)?   I certainly don’t like that I now have to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom … yes, my younger friends, that changes from getting up to help your kids to the bathroom to helping yourself to the bathroom.   But, let me tell you what I really don’t like that’s changed —  I don’t like that when I get on the elliptical at the club I now have to press the up arrow for age rather than the down arrow.   So instead I simply pick a different age each time  I go as long as the age allows me to push the down arrow. Hey, sue me.

So, I’m just not ready to fill in the blank with “good.”‘  Maybe I can fill it in with “necessary.”  Change is necessary for me to continue the self-exploration I so desperately need (no comments please) for this new and exciting time of my life.  Change is necessary for us to meet new people and experience new situations (that really is a totally awesome part, right).  And, most certainly, change is necessary for my kids so they continue to become more independent, get good grades at school, go to college and get a good job so they can support me in my old(er) age.  So, ok … maybe change is good!

Have a consistent/non-changing day!

There are a few things in this world that keep me sane (and checked in) … they are  in no particular order:  1. Popcorn (a must, at least 4x per week); 2.  The Economist and my crossword puzzles (at least let me pretend to be smart); 3. My job and particularly my assistant; and 4. Running, running and running.  So, after hearing for the 3rd time (from medical professionals) that running is off the table for the near future, I’m going to have to listen (I really am bad at listening so this is a challenge!).

I can only imagine the conversations going on with my kids since I told them: “OMG, what are we going to do?”  From the boys, “Should we go live at dad’s?”  Or, from my daughter to her brothers, “Guys, shut up and do what she says right now!”  Or even more likely, “We’re actually going to die … all of us.”

I’ll survive.  So rather than ask each of you to send healing thoughts my way, I think the better option is for you to take my poor kids out of here until I can run again!  (jk … kindof!)

Have a great day everyone!

I was jogging in the pool (again) yesterday morning … bummed that I was not out running and getting stuck in the endless chatter of my mind (a major topic for future blogs), when I noticed a man come into the pool area.   He was hunched over, thin and kept pulling up his trunks as he shuffled along the pool deck .  He slowly showered and then lowered himself into the pool.  I watched as he quickly and freely moved to the deep end .  Were it not for the aging of his face, one would think he was a much younger man .. of say 50 (he was 80)!!  Was I in the movie Cocoon?  He jogged over and struck up a conversation.  I found myself discussing the most amazing things with a stranger (I can hear the collective groan from my close friends)!  We talked about how the little things that get us the most riled up are really just little things (tolerance) and that we should choose to be with people who are positive and “feed our soul” – cool words for an 80 year-old!   He got out after a bit, thanking me for helping to distract him. (Really? I was going out of my mind until he showed up!)  But before leaving he told me that he had an odd feeling that morning which forced him to come to this particular pool – something he never does.  Maybe, he mused, it was to meet me!  He made my day and the experience reminded me to keep my eyes open.  You never know when someone is there to give you a “gift” (or you to them) …. you just need to start up a conversation!

Enjoy the warm weather and your conversations today!