Miscommunication, misunderstanding or not listening?

So, my son gets up in the morning the other day and starts frantically doing homework (this is standard fare!).  I ask him something like, “Why isn’t it done?  I told you all homework had to be done before you turned on your electronic game.”  He then says something like, “You didn’t say it had to all be done but that I needed to get it done sometime.”  That bugs me.  Seriously.  That is not what I said and I can’t tell you how many times I KNOW that I say something and all I hear from them is, “You never said that.”  What follows is total defensiveness (on both the sides – the 13 year-old and the 50 year-old) and nothing gets accomplished.  Is it that miscommunication, misunderstanding or is he just not listening?

I would like to say that it’s my son that’s not listening but that might not be a very intellectually honest statement.  It’s likely both of us  — and if both of us are listening poorly, not listening at all or just not being clear, miscommunication will occur.  Then, when we misunderstand each other we get defensive and take actions or come to conclusions based on wrong information.  Ever have that happen with your child or significant other?

This issue is really one of active listening.  One of those phrases that sounds good, right?!  Active listening means really listening with intent and concentrating on what it is the other person is saying BEFORE coming up with your response/argument/position  (really, I’ve developed this into an art form … coming up with my position before someone’s even finished talking — ever do that? – not one of my finer traits!)

I often tell my kids that attitude plays a very important role in listening and even if you don’t agree with what is said, keep your attitude in check and realize that you are not in an argument but rather a conversation .  While I may be better at doing this with my children … it is much harder in one’s personal life, right?

Frankly, I am so tired of hearing my kids say that what I said isn’t what I said that it might be worth it to try “active listening” and watch my and their responses.  I’m just going to do it today … Remember, Rome wasn’t build in a day!

Enjoy the beautiful weather!