I am not in love with complaining. In fact, I’ve been know to get a bit frustrated when my kids get in the car after school and complain about a class, something at recess, an assignment, that they are hungry, tired, etc. (what a rough life!). It’s easy to complain because life is full of frustrations – I get that and want to support them. But, when is it too much?
Yesterday I was on a walk with a friend and he asked if I was cold (I was) and I said, “No. I’m fine.” He said, “No, you’re not fine. Your cold. What’s wrong with saying you’re cold?” Great question and I had no answer (frankly, I was too cold to talk!) but I did squeak out that I didn’t like complaining. Would that have been a complaint? Maybe I’ve got my definitions wrong – we want the people around us to share their feelings (especially when we know the feeling but they won’t admit it) yet, we don’t like complainers — what’s the difference?
Maybe complaining is not the same thing as having a negative emotional reaction. That first-response negative reaction is ok and it is at that point (when I got cold) that I should have said something. The next step would be me complaining about the weather, that I was dumb to forget a jacket, etc. That act of true complaining is the act of reinforcing what you don’t want and intending even more of it. It’s the act of dwelling on the negative that’s tougher to deal with … (don’t think I don’t do my fair share of complaining — check out this blog!!!).
Have you ever noticed how hard it is to be around a chronic complainer? What’s so interesting to me is that these people tend to attract like people and situations into their lives and then they complain about that too. It seems as if the world is darker to them and that’s sad. Don’t get me wrong … there are times in our lives where we need to vent and that is an important part of our relationships. I want to be there for my friends at that moment and they want to be there for me. That’s different from the chronic complainer or the avoider (me) – both of which are frustrating.
I tell my kids that we are as happy as we allow yourself to be — that happiness is really a state of mind. That the more we dwell on what we don’t like and then verbalize it, the more it will become a part of our being.
The other day, when one of the boys was complaining again about X, I said I was done listening. I told him to complain in his head but not in my air space (man, I sound like my mom there!). Yesterday he said to me, “I’m done complaining about X and I’ve decided to change my attitude and see if that helps!” I almost passed out! Maybe my good stuff is rubbing off on him … (now if only he didn’t acquire my bad stuff (read – swearing) too!)
Have a fantastic start to your weekend!!!
theyearof50 