Loving our children, spouses and friends (usually!) comes naturally. However, when that child, spouse or friend is in a difficult place sometimes we have to learn to love them differently. In situations where they don’t seem to be helping themselves, eventually we have to find a way to love them and at the same time let go of the desire to help or save them from their situation. This is a lesson I have not yet learned.
I have someone in my life who I have been trying to help for many years. I approached the situation in what I thought was a logical way (the lawyer in me!) – if he’s hurting, I should try to help him avoid that pain. The opposite didn’t feel right to me … allowing him to continue on his path in a direction I knew would cause him, and others around him, more pain. I figured that I knew the best plan of attack to solving the situation (my ego). I never really consistently encouraged him to be accountable for his actions. However, here I am many years later and nothing has changed for him. It’s time to let go.
The struggle I’m having is what does letting go mean? And how to you let go of someone who you know needs help? I don’t have the answers. What I do know is that letting go doesn’t mean I don’t care. It also doesn’t mean cutting him off. It does mean that I can’t control, change, or try to manage his life and relationships any more. It means that I can be supportive but not allow what is happening in his life to affect my life, my health or my relationships. This sounds simple but I’m not sure how it will work in real “time,” as they say.
I must secretly admit, however, that since this decision to “let go,” I feel a bit freer knowing that I don’t have to constantly “help” (as I write that sentence, I feel a guilty … why shouldn’t I help when I’ve been so fortunate? Clearly one of those “tapes” I’m going to have to destroy). Intellectually, I know I am not responsible for what happens to him … but not everything is intellectually motivated. In the interim, I am going to continue to be encouraging, supportive and will turn that extra attention on to my family.
Look out kids – you’ve got my attention now (I hear a collective groan at my house)!!!
Have a wonderful day!
theyearof50 