The other day I was talking to one of my boys and he said, “I don’t always think you like who I am.” It was one of those situations where I knew that the next 30 seconds and the words that came out of my mouth would hang with him forever. I, of course, told him how much I love who he is…he’s funny, bright, really gets the “game of life,” cares about people, etc.! I also, acknowledged the feeling he was getting from me, that I didn’t like what he was doing with “who he is” and then I explained what I meant by that. I remember my daughter not long ago asking what I thought of her as a person and who she is becoming (she’s fantastic, of course!). Geeze, here they are, allowing themselves to be vulnerable and trusting that I would be there for them. These kids can’t be mine! They are way more emotionally advanced than me!!!!
From an early age we are conditioned to believe that exposing our weaknesses and fears, particularly when being confronted, is a bad idea. The truth is, of course, the exact opposite. Moreover, as parents, we think we need to hide our vulnerability from our children, because we want to appear strong and want them to be strong.
At some point, a number of years back, I was having a very difficult time. I was struggling with what was happening in my life. I recall one night going in my room and just sobbing. One of the kids came in and asked what was wrong. As I started to talk, they all came in and sat on the bed with me. One kept saying, “It’s ok to cry. That means your real not fake.” (kid-speak I guess!) It was at that moment that I realized how critical it is to show kids what vulnerability looks like. That it shows strength not weakness. This, of course, is much easier than it sounds — and certainly much easier with kids than our friends and partners!
I might be wrong but I think it’s not only being vulnerable that is critical – but it’s also how we are when we make ourselves vulnerable. If I open up, for example, and remain fearful (which I do quite often), the other person will not likely pick up my cues that I’m being vulnerable. This will result in a ton of hurt feelings and a 50 yard dash to my cave. Sadly, while I love my beautifully decorated cave, it doesn’t really protect me or make me feel better. It simply allows me to avoid that which I really should be experiencing.
As difficult as it is, vulnerability is the willingness to risk uncovering who we are and allowing even deeper connections with people. I really believe, as hard as it is, and as bad as I am at it, that we can’t allow vulnerability to be an option. Not with our kids, not with our partners and most certainly, not with ourselves.
Enjoy this beautiful Sunday!
theyearof50 